I'm back!

After a very long hiatus, I decided I should write that my life has taken a 180 degree turn.  I'm pleased to announce that I have a job as a Medical Assistant for a detox/addiction hospital called Stonington Institute. After my first day working with clients, I feel this is my calling in life.  Corny, I know but this feeling of being a non-judgmental pillar of strength for these people is something that comes very naturally to me.  The staff make me feel welcome which is something that I haven't felt in its entirety since I worked for the Visiting Nurses of Southeastern CT.  Many times I heard, "Oh, you're going to fit in nicely here." which gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling.

I'm still waiting for the wonderful afterglow of my work but at least I know the benefits are coming.  Winter is finally over and I can bask in the warm sunshine of Spring; literally and metaphorically.

A downer this week was my computer decided to crash and my hard drive died.  Thanks to my father and brother (who traveled from Norwalk to New London TWICE) I have a computer again.  I'm hopeful that the data can be retrieved from my old hard drive since it has all my music but more importantly, all the pictures of my kids.  I shall remain positive.

Trying To Understand It All

First of all, NYCC was terrific! It was the plastic band-aid I needed over the gaping wound that festers and threatens to turn gangrenous any moment that is my life.  Last Tuesday, I interviewed, shadowed and was offered a position working at a cardiology office in Norwich as a medical assistant.  So, I packed up for New York with the elation that I would have a full time position doing something that I love starting Monday.  This all came crashing down on Thursday when the office manager called and stated that due to a new budget that was given to her that morning they were no longer able to offer me the position.  To say that I was disappointed was a gross understatement, however; I didn't let it ruin my weekend.  I met some really cool people and despite the fact that there were thousands of people at the convention, everyone was very polite.  I just wish I could continue to have that feeling of purpose because I woke up this morning with the stark reality of how dire my situation is.  I'm more tired and depressed than ever and questioning my motives for every decision I have made in my life.   I just don't understand why things aren't turning around for me and the worst thing anyone could say to me at this moment is, "You have the worst luck." Well, thank you for reminding me just how messed up my life is!  I know people mean well with their sentiments but this is one they can please keep to themselves.

Feeling Better Despite The Rainy Day

Not going to write a long post like the last few but I wanted to note that I feel more positive even though things haven't really changed.  I'm tired from the kids not being on the same sleep schedule last night and went to bed late last night.  I was scheduled to work a Red Cross blood drive at Plainville High School and it reminded me of "the good ol' days" of high school; or maybe how I want to remember them. Either way, sitting around with a bunch of 17-year-old laughing and joking didn't make me feel old; it made me feel good that I was able to not only make someone laugh, but they did the same for me.

I'm looking forward to volunteering at NYCC next weekend and managed to get some more hours added to my schedule which is SWEET!  I'm working two areas: Panels Hall A and Artists Alley!  One of the guys got an apartment and I'm looking to bunk with them, otherwise I'm going to take the train back and forth with Patrick.  I should probably make a list of the things I want to pack so I don't forget anything.

A New Step

So, my car broke down...again.  The switch to start the car snapped and that means, the whole steering column needs to be replaced.  I cancelled my date tonight because I just couldn't stand being in the same room with other people; even if they are people I care about because I'm just so full of anger and self-pity that I can't stand it anymore!  I'm trying desperately to hold on but it keeps getting more difficult as things seem to disintegrate before my very eyes.

To help break out of this vicious cycle, I joined Debt Anon (like AA but, as you guess, for people who have money issues) this is my second day and I'm already backsliding.  Like a heroin addict, I needed my next "fix" which came in the form of a two-course Chinese take out and chocolate.  And like my drug-addled counterpart, I don't feel any better than I did before...just more bloated and fat.  I don't know if anyone reads this but I'm spilling my thoughts out as a way of making me accountable for my actions.  I would love to see the day when I post: "Hey! Everything is great!  The kids are great, the car is great, the apartment (house) is great, my life is GREAT!"

I've wallowed in my self-pity for too long, abused myself more than any one else could and have done, and now it needs to end.  There is a saying that keeps popping up on my Facebook news feed: "You can't move on to the next chapter if you keep re-reading the old one." I want to make that change; to stop seeing myself as a victim and fight back in ways I haven't before.

One day at a time.

Hand me my Hanzo

Well, I finally did it and told my ex about my unemployment. While none of his business, I will need to adjust the child support agreement accordingly.  Quiet frankly, I'm terrified which is why I waited nine months to get  this adjusted...actually, it's more pride and fear mixed.  Ever since I left Chad, I've strived to become independent and achieved that goal with my job as a Physician Scribe in the emergency room making more money then I had in my adult career.  Suddenly, it all changed last December and I've been struggling (but succeeding) ever since.  I pray to the Gods to give me a glimmer of hope that I will return to that status; for now, I'm tired and sore.

After talking with Chris, the crazy cat lady, last night about our comebacks to blogging. She told me about NaNoWriMo short for National Novel Writers Month. Leave it to Chris to introduce me to something obscure and wonderful as this.  NaNo, in short, is a writing project for people who are like me and love to write.  I consider myself O.K. and love when a story flows from my brain to my paper, computer, etc. I'm creating something like a painter or a composer.  I have chosen a story that I started about 4 years ago as a challenge to write a historical fiction which happens to be one of my favorite genres.  Most of my muses come to me in the form of dreams. Sadly, I have only finished one and that was due to the ladies I was writing for begging me to finish.  While I felt that itch to start writing again, I find this project comes at a fortuitous moment.  I was up until 1am reading, editing, and researching second century Roman history to flush out characters more and change ideas about plot to make them more believable.  It feels good to write again.

Inspired at the right time...

After reading my best friend's post about her struggle and how she endured, I could only feel inspired to take pen to paper (or in this case, fingers to keyboard) and get out my long and winding road of disappointment, joy, sadness, and gratitude.  She made mention of QT's infamous character known as "The Bride" aka Beatrix and how her struggles have mirrored her own.  Of course, she was not made part of an assassination team, shot in the head at the alter, drugged and buried under a false name, and taken 88 crazy Chinese men in one blood bath of a fight...but it would have been easier.  I only speak out of camaraderie because there are certain people out there who deserve the "five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique" Mind you, I'm not promoting the death of these people but maybe, if faced with this stark reality, they wouldn't feel so at ease to shit on those they once professed to love.

Her comments come at the right time because the road we have chosen is not the easiest but it's the right one and it is, unfortunately, a very long one with constant adversity that challenge our resolve.  When faced with the grim reality of the situation at that particular moment, it can feel like it's not worth the fight; the worst nightmare is inevitable no matter how much courage or fight you have.  Then comes that voice of reason, of hope declaring with a strong, unwavering voice that you can, and will, prevail.  To my crazy cat lady, my sister on the battlefield called life: Thank you.

I suppose I should post something here...

Welcome to The Sacred Circle.