So, my car broke down...again. The switch to start the car snapped and that means, the whole steering column needs to be replaced. I cancelled my date tonight because I just couldn't stand being in the same room with other people; even if they are people I care about because I'm just so full of anger and self-pity that I can't stand it anymore! I'm trying desperately to hold on but it keeps getting more difficult as things seem to disintegrate before my very eyes.
To help break out of this vicious cycle, I joined Debt Anon (like AA but, as you guess, for people who have money issues) this is my second day and I'm already backsliding. Like a heroin addict, I needed my next "fix" which came in the form of a two-course Chinese take out and chocolate. And like my drug-addled counterpart, I don't feel any better than I did before...just more bloated and fat. I don't know if anyone reads this but I'm spilling my thoughts out as a way of making me accountable for my actions. I would love to see the day when I post: "Hey! Everything is great! The kids are great, the car is great, the apartment (house) is great, my life is GREAT!"
I've wallowed in my self-pity for too long, abused myself more than any one else could and have done, and now it needs to end. There is a saying that keeps popping up on my Facebook news feed: "You can't move on to the next chapter if you keep re-reading the old one." I want to make that change; to stop seeing myself as a victim and fight back in ways I haven't before.
One day at a time.
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