So, my car broke down...again. The switch to start the car snapped and that means, the whole steering column needs to be replaced. I cancelled my date tonight because I just couldn't stand being in the same room with other people; even if they are people I care about because I'm just so full of anger and self-pity that I can't stand it anymore! I'm trying desperately to hold on but it keeps getting more difficult as things seem to disintegrate before my very eyes.
To help break out of this vicious cycle, I joined Debt Anon (like AA but, as you guess, for people who have money issues) this is my second day and I'm already backsliding. Like a heroin addict, I needed my next "fix" which came in the form of a two-course Chinese take out and chocolate. And like my drug-addled counterpart, I don't feel any better than I did before...just more bloated and fat. I don't know if anyone reads this but I'm spilling my thoughts out as a way of making me accountable for my actions. I would love to see the day when I post: "Hey! Everything is great! The kids are great, the car is great, the apartment (house) is great, my life is GREAT!"
I've wallowed in my self-pity for too long, abused myself more than any one else could and have done, and now it needs to end. There is a saying that keeps popping up on my Facebook news feed: "You can't move on to the next chapter if you keep re-reading the old one." I want to make that change; to stop seeing myself as a victim and fight back in ways I haven't before.
One day at a time.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Hand me my Hanzo
Well, I finally did it and told my ex about my unemployment. While none of his business, I will need to adjust the child support agreement accordingly. Quiet frankly, I'm terrified which is why I waited nine months to get this adjusted...actually, it's more pride and fear mixed. Ever since I left Chad, I've strived to become independent and achieved that goal with my job as a Physician Scribe in the emergency room making more money then I had in my adult career. Suddenly, it all changed last December and I've been struggling (but succeeding) ever since. I pray to the Gods to give me a glimmer of hope that I will return to that status; for now, I'm tired and sore.
After talking with Chris, the crazy cat lady, last night about our comebacks to blogging. She told me about NaNoWriMo short for National Novel Writers Month. Leave it to Chris to introduce me to something obscure and wonderful as this. NaNo, in short, is a writing project for people who are like me and love to write. I consider myself O.K. and love when a story flows from my brain to my paper, computer, etc. I'm creating something like a painter or a composer. I have chosen a story that I started about 4 years ago as a challenge to write a historical fiction which happens to be one of my favorite genres. Most of my muses come to me in the form of dreams. Sadly, I have only finished one and that was due to the ladies I was writing for begging me to finish. While I felt that itch to start writing again, I find this project comes at a fortuitous moment. I was up until 1am reading, editing, and researching second century Roman history to flush out characters more and change ideas about plot to make them more believable. It feels good to write again.
After talking with Chris, the crazy cat lady, last night about our comebacks to blogging. She told me about NaNoWriMo short for National Novel Writers Month. Leave it to Chris to introduce me to something obscure and wonderful as this. NaNo, in short, is a writing project for people who are like me and love to write. I consider myself O.K. and love when a story flows from my brain to my paper, computer, etc. I'm creating something like a painter or a composer. I have chosen a story that I started about 4 years ago as a challenge to write a historical fiction which happens to be one of my favorite genres. Most of my muses come to me in the form of dreams. Sadly, I have only finished one and that was due to the ladies I was writing for begging me to finish. While I felt that itch to start writing again, I find this project comes at a fortuitous moment. I was up until 1am reading, editing, and researching second century Roman history to flush out characters more and change ideas about plot to make them more believable. It feels good to write again.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Inspired at the right time...
After reading my best friend's post about her struggle and how she endured, I could only feel inspired to take pen to paper (or in this case, fingers to keyboard) and get out my long and winding road of disappointment, joy, sadness, and gratitude. She made mention of QT's infamous character known as "The Bride" aka Beatrix and how her struggles have mirrored her own. Of course, she was not made part of an assassination team, shot in the head at the alter, drugged and buried under a false name, and taken 88 crazy Chinese men in one blood bath of a fight...but it would have been easier. I only speak out of camaraderie because there are certain people out there who deserve the "five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique" Mind you, I'm not promoting the death of these people but maybe, if faced with this stark reality, they wouldn't feel so at ease to shit on those they once professed to love.
Her comments come at the right time because the road we have chosen is not the easiest but it's the right one and it is, unfortunately, a very long one with constant adversity that challenge our resolve. When faced with the grim reality of the situation at that particular moment, it can feel like it's not worth the fight; the worst nightmare is inevitable no matter how much courage or fight you have. Then comes that voice of reason, of hope declaring with a strong, unwavering voice that you can, and will, prevail. To my crazy cat lady, my sister on the battlefield called life: Thank you.
Her comments come at the right time because the road we have chosen is not the easiest but it's the right one and it is, unfortunately, a very long one with constant adversity that challenge our resolve. When faced with the grim reality of the situation at that particular moment, it can feel like it's not worth the fight; the worst nightmare is inevitable no matter how much courage or fight you have. Then comes that voice of reason, of hope declaring with a strong, unwavering voice that you can, and will, prevail. To my crazy cat lady, my sister on the battlefield called life: Thank you.
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